Gordon Gartrelle

Besides Frankie & Annette, Samantha & Jake, and Sweet & Low -- my favorite couple has to be salty & sweet! And arguably, this combination is best delivered by Washington favorite, Teaism. Their famous salty oat biscuits are a truly unique treatsy! These dense cookie-like gems have just the right balance of salty to sweetsies and crispy to softies. With their oatmeal, raisins, cinnamon and sea salt these ‘cuits seem like they would be all sorts of healthy. Unforch, they are totes large and, like most delish carb bricks, packed with the calsies!

So, I decided to recreate these in my home kitchen, replacing the recipe staples of milk and oil with things like pumpkin, fat free vanilla creamer, hopes & prayers. What resulted was a sad substitute for the original. My designer imposter kaboom, if you will. Better luck next time, I suppose … So, to all you cooks out there, keep doing what you do. But ask yourself this, are you ready for a Throwdown?

pro choice

I believe in a woman's right to choose -- especially when it comes to trail mix. Since the dawn of packaged trail mix we've been forced to choose between various versions of dried fruit, nuts, and chocolate-covered bits, all mildly dissatisfying because of the gratuitous banana chips or papaya cubes or other unwelcome ingredients. But the fine people at Whole Foods on the Bowery have created the Trail Mix Bar, which means that I can create a concoction that is to my ever-changing specifications, like tonight's cranberry-raisin-pineapple-driedapple- pumpkin-seed-mapleraisin masterpiece. Finally, change I can believe in.

international intrigue

After the tragic throwaway of my Coffee-Mate Tiramisu creamer by a thoughtless coworker, I drowned my sorrows. In coffee. Going back to Tiramisu so soon would have been too painful, so I sought solace with his World Cafe countryman, Hazelnut Biscotti. Sure, Hazelnut might just be my rebound creamer, but he's still sweet and creamy. Authentically Italian? Not really, but Hazelnut Biscotti still makes me want to ride a Vespa with a man rocking copious amounts of hair gel.

bad apple

Not since the apple-tini has this fine fruit been bastardized in this way. Brach's Milk Maid Caramel Apple Candy Corn is not Caramel Candy Corn, and it certainly is no Autumn Mix. The artificial apple flavor is repugnant and overpowers the caramel and candy corn taste. I implore you, Brach's, stop now. That is all.

cold fusion

Yogurt-opia has arrived, and its name is not Pinkberry, Red Mango, or Tasti-D-Lite. Nay, in a nod to what represents all that is good and true in the world (Molly Ringwald), we have Sixteen Handles in the East Village. Much like the powerful message in iconic John Hughes film that an awkward young girl in an upper middle class Chicago suburb could cross social barriers to find teen romance with a rich, popular jock, Sixteen Handles showed us that 16 flavors of fro-yo could mix harmoniously with a shockingly diverse array of toppings. After ruminating on the profound messages we gleaned from peanut butter-cheesecake-chocolate-banana-sprinkles-
caramel-yogurtraisins-Cap'nCrunch-Oreo sundaes, it was clear that we needed to do something important and life-changing. That's right -- we went to Sephora and tried on approximately 78 different shades of red lipgloss.

mix master

We all have our vices. For some it’s booze, for others it’s blow, for me it’s baking. So, when I was jonesing for a fix last night, I again hit up the Lollipop Tree, this time with the Blueberry Tangerine Bread Mix with Cinnamon Streusel. In my neverending (and often unsuccessful) quest to cut the fatsies, I substituted applesauce for butter. The result was a more dense, doughier bread, but I amped up the streusel topping with a powdered sugar glaze to enhance the sweetsies. Overall, they were tasty, but not a mind-blowing pastry experience. They were also enough to quell my baking shakes, and really, it’s all about getting a fix.

green is the new "blech"

After a weekend of excessive and continuous processed sugar consumption, I felt that it was time for an antioxidant intervention. I picked up a sample of InVite Green Tea Concentrated Liquid Green Tea Extract at Race for the Cure on Sunday (free stuff is high on my list of reasons that I run races), and it seemed just intense enough to be legit. Ugh, yeah, about that...it came out of the packet looking like a car dripping motor oil and smelling of nondescript chemicals that my parents told me to stay away from as a child. Oh, and it tasted awful, though a packet of Splenda helped cut the bitterness. Still, I'm determined to finish the drink at some point today. If it's this tough on my taste buds, I'm hoping that it's going all medieval on the oxidants.

After the party is the hotel lobby and ...

Save for the horrid teeth and that whole monarchy biz, I like just about everything associated with jolly ol’England! Afterall, these are the brilliant minds behind wax museums, TopShop and my favorite afternoon activity – Teatime! What could be better than enjoying a warm cup of tea (with sweetener and splash of milk, natch) scones served with spreads and teensy treatsies?

There are several options when looking for afternoon tea service. Generally, the fancypants (or fancytrousers, rather) hotels offer the greatest take on the British tradition. This past weekend, I enjoyed tea at the Ritz Carlton – where ladies and gentleman serve ladies and gentleman. True fact. Their service is located in a small dining room adjacent to the lobby. The room, which boasts modern décor, is an interesting setting for such a traditional pastime. We chose to enjoy the vanilla tea and sampling of delicacies. A tiered tray displaying several delish (and dainty!) scones, sandwiches and sweetsies arrived with a variety of complimenting spreads. The best offerings included the blueberry scones (really just a vehicle for clotted cream and lemon curd!), chicken salad mousse, and raspberry almond cakes. And as a surprise, they also sent over a wonderful birthday dessert! The whole afternoon was just the tops!

Would I try it again? Cheeri-ohdon’tmindifIdo!

getting baked and completely smashed

This weekend I experienced what is without a doubt the biggest disaster in my substantial, if amateur, baking career. However, I am determined to pass along the lessons I've gleaned from this most colossal of pastry eff-ups. It's for the children, really.

1. Baking powder is NOT a substitute for baking soda, much like dishwashing liquid cannot be used in a dishwasher (unless you're nostalgic for Cancun spring break foam parties). In either case, disaster.
2. If you live in a dollhouse-sized apartment, your kitchen appliances likely will be proportional. Therefore, a standard-size cookie sheet will NOT fit in the oven.
3. You can overcome the first two problems if you frost the cookies in an artistic, Marimekko-like design.
4. Said design efforts are rendered useless unless you carry the cookies to the party in a level container.
5. No one cares what the cookies look like if they're coated in enough frosting. Still, I recommend serving them after everyone has had a minimum of 2.5 drinks.

children of the corn

What happens when a fresh young Milk Maid meets a suave, "I'm only in town one night" Candy Corn in some kid's trick-or-treat bag? Magic, friends. This fortuitous coupling has created Brach's Milk Maid Candy Corn, an uber sweet treatsie with a delightful maple syrup-y flavor. Now, usually I don't like anyone to phunk with my candy corn, but I feel that this is a relationship I can really support. You know what? I think those crazy kids just might make it.

Chocolate chip, honey dip, can I get a scoop?

Recently the nice people over at Edy’s had a meeting with the folks working for Nestle and they decided to blow my mind. True Story. What resulted is indeed such a world-rocking combo, that it will have your local grocer paging ‘Can I get a clean-up here? Aisle: AWESOME.’

Edy’s LOADED Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Ice Cream is pure paradise, friends. Trust. This sweetsies is def. fully-loaded with all sorts of yummsies: creamy vanilla, mini chocolate chips, cookie dough bits and TLC. Also, this ice cream is made with skim milk – so it is totes easy on the waistline!

So go ahead, Fannie, take that load off!

the sweet 'n lowdown

In honor of Sweet'N Low's 50th anniversary (congratulations! I love you!), the purveyor of pink packets has enlisted the service of a charismatic, fresh new frontman: Mr. Regis Philbin. And it's not just an empty endorsement; according to the president and CEO of Sweet'N Low, Reej is "an avid and longtime user." (No way! Me, too!)

Reej practically reads my thoughts in the spots:

“Some of these sweeteners say they taste like sugar,” Philbin says in the ads. "If I wanted my coffee to taste like sugar, I'd use sugar! To me, in my coffee, Sweet'N Low tastes better than sugar! It's got that extra that extra zing of sweetness none of the others have. Its taste is unique and I love it! You can't beat Pink, pal!” Well said, Reej. Well said.

In related news, Sweet'N Low has also extended the contract of longtime spokesanimal the Pink Panther, though some say the hiring of Philbin is a big eff you to the pink one. The Pink Panther has publicly supported the addition of Reej, but insiders at a recent Sweet'N Low event said that things between the panther and the talk show host were "kind of awkward."

Have You Seen These Treatsies?

Name: Trader Joe’s Toasted & Lightly Salted Granny Smith Apples
Description: Delightful, Delicious, DeLovely
Color: Brownish
Taste: Crunchy, Salty, and a bit of sweetsies!
Date of Disappearance: Late Augustish
Last seen: Sitting in my pantry cabinet, taunting me with their delicious siren of ‘eat one more’…
Missing from: EVERY Trader Joe’s shelf in the DC Metropolitan area. And also – my heart.

If you have any information on the disappearance of these wonderful, healthy snacks, please let me know. We are worried sick about our babies and look forward to their safe return.

carb a-peel

I felt the call to bake this weekend, but since I was only feeling semi-domestic (i.e. not in a "from scratch" state of mind), I settled on Lemon Bread with Crystallized Lemon Peel by the Lollipop Tree. I also wanted to cut the calsies, so I substituted lemon yogurt for the melted butter. This is not a move I'd suggest if the goal is to impress people with your baking prowess, but if you're giving the leftovers to, say, coworkers who will eat anything, then whatevs. The yogurt made for a dense, moist (I hate that word, too) consistency, but with a drizzle of powdered sugar glaze on top, the bread was actually quite tasty. Plus it's 70% organic, which makes me feel almost as self-righteous as when I carry a reusable shopping bag.

punch-drunk latte

As a teenager, there was little that gave me the same sense of satisfaction that I derived from filling up a frequent customer card. From video rentals to subs, punch cards were the customer retention tool of choice for marketers in the '90s. Now, corporate behemoths like Starbucks arrogantly eschew the lowly punch card, and I find that there is little incentive for me to develop a relationship with my caffeine dealers. Today, however, I discovered that The Bean in the East Village is kicking it old school punch style, so now I am the proud holder of a stamped card. I can't believe that all I have to do is drink five more delicious iced coffees before I get a free one. You know, before today I was concerned that I might have commitment issues since the sight of the huge "John and Kate Plus Eight" billboard on Houston gave me cold sweats and made my uterus hurt, but thanks to this punch card, I believe I can stay in it for the long haul.

adventures in mystery fruit

Last night I was at the grocery store seeking an elusive brand of organic cheese sticks for a photo shoot (yes, that's my job) when I came upon new Mentos sugar-free gum. I'm a fan of the Freshmaker's work, so even though the flavor was "red fruit" (huh?) and lime, and the illustration of a toxic-green center wasn't especially appealing, I went for it. Verdict: The soft center wasn't the Chewel-like burst of flavor that I expected, though overall it was a sweet and inoffensive. Still, I recommend that you get your freshness fix elsewhere.

it's here! it's here!

Around Labor Day every year, as I’m mourning my summer wardrobe, a glimmer of hope appears. It happened today. As I was making my way towards the checkout line at the depression-inducing Duane Reade in Times Square, I saw it…the Brach’s Autumn Mix had arrived! To a connoisseur such as myself, Autumn Mix is the Crème de la Mer of candy corn. An assortment of the traditional white, orange and yellow; chocolate; and pumpkins, it is the freshest and most flavorful brand. Ever. It makes me happy. So happy, in fact, that when I saw a man carrying a neon pink “Jesus Loves You” sign on my way back to the office, I thought, “You know what? He really does.”

ciao, roma!

I don’t know if it’s Tiramisu creamer in my café or the Armani nail polish I’m rocking (it’s certainly not the mistake of watching “Under the Tuscan Sun” on a recent bored Saturday), but lately I’ve been daydreaming about Italy. Or maybe just the cappies. In fact, I think I’m going to start carrying this photo in my wallet and flash it at the next bitchy barista who tries to pass off a lukewarm chai as extra hot. Now that's service.

It's my chance to shine - Super Sweetsies 29!

Some birthday girls dream of getting cars with a big red ribbon or a pony of their very own. Howevs, this lady wanted none of that. Save your outlandish and overpriced gifts for the likes of MTV (Ciara and your GD tiara, I’m talking to you) – for there is only one gifty this girl wants: Meringues! (and maybs a blue box or two – but that is neither here nor there).

A big thanks to my friend, Andrea, for answering this birthday beckon. She discovered ‘Meringues for the Memories’ which creates customized messages inserted into these airy delicacies! For my big day, she chose purple chocolate-chip meringues (with sprinkles, obvs) and a ‘Happy Birthday’ flag. This GENIUS idea is the brainchild of Judy Weidman, a fellow eggwhites enthusiast, whose family events were always celebrated with meringues. In 1997 Judes perfected the cookie, began inserting personal messages and a business was born! ‘Meringues for the Memories’ offers a variety of flavorings, colors, fillings, sprinkles and messages to help mark the special occasions in your life.

Now if only I had a lovely sweatervest-wearing boy to share these with (sitting atop my dining room table, natch)…

Have your fall and eat it too!

September totes has me conflicted. I am tempted to pack-away my Lilly dresses and lime in de coconut capris in favor of heavier cardigans and all things houndstooth … Eager to exchange frozen daiquiris for a hearty burgundy or hot chocy … trade days spent lounging by a pool for ones curled up by a fire with a great read. Howevs, with the temps still blazin’ and must-see-tv still in reruns, I am obvs jumping the season. So with those ‘summer days driftin’ away’ I needed special seasonally-appro sweetsies to help me fall into the gap (wearing breathable fabrics, natch).

Combining two of my most favesies treatsies – ice cream and pumpkin – was an easy solution. This recipe for ‘Pumpkin Crunchers’ was simple to follow and the final product is delish enough for even Padma’s palette. The pumpkin, a cool weather staple, provides some hearty flavor for the spicy-sweet base. And the frozen medium really satisfies that summer heat! Listen up, Miley – THIS here is the best of both worlds.

Ingredients:
7.5 oz. pure pumpkin (1/2 of a 15 oz. can)
1/2 container Cool Whip Free
2 Sugar Free Jell-O Pudding Snacks; Vanilla
3/4 cup Fiber One cereal
Cinnamon; to taste

Directions:
Combine pumpkin, Cool Whip and Jell-O in a bowl. Stir in Fiber One. Spoon into nonstick muffin tins and freeze.

so, you'll probably still get scurvy

There's a lot about the "artistry" of marzipan that I don't understand. The shapes, for example. They're not cute so much as creepy and mildly confusing. I don't necessarily want to consume a small, smiling animal (i.e. a mouse on a wheel of cheese), and the fruit shapes are just kind of mocking. Yes, I know that vitamin C comes from eating a real orange instead of a ball of almond paste shaped like one. I get it. Regardless, these faux fruits from Chocolate by Mueller are delish. I'm gonna take a multivitamin now.

italian love affair

Dear Coffee-Mate Tiramisu creamer from the "World Cafe" series-

You have changed my life (or my weekday mornings at least), and I think I might love you. You transform the craptastic brown drivel that my office calls coffee into something palatable, delicious even. I know that you don't taste like tiramisu, and I know that real Italian people living in Italy would never use this product and would probably be offended by the association (much like I felt when I passed the "Embassy of Texas" American restaurant in London). But I still feel fancy and international when I drink you. Gratzi.

-Your New Style American Girlfriend

bring me back something french

Our affinity for things that start with "m" (meringues, marzipan) just expanded today with the addition of macaroons from Praline in Bethesda. Fluffy, sweet, crumbly, yumsies. We also picked up a package of meringues, and, while they just came one flavor (plain), they were crisp on the outside and gooey on the inside. Take note, Le Pain Quotidien.

flavor savors

What suburbs lack in fashion, culture, and nightlife, they make up for in well-stocked Target stores. Exhibits A and B: International Delight Limited Edition creamers in Pumpkin Pie Spice and White Chocolate Mudslide. (I can say with utmost certainty that my corner bodega doesn't stock these.) What I like best about these flavors is that they evoke such pleasant memories, like Thanksgiving dinner with my family...and getting drunk on blender drinks.

mmmmini meringues

One-calorie Mini Peaks from Barry's Bakery. The vanilla is light, airy, and delish. The chocolate...eh.